Dez Bryant Video Screen Shot Rumors: The Truth About The Tape

Behold the NFL Offseason.

A glorious time of year when rumors spread like STDs at a Frat Party.

The latest rumor: A Dez Bryant Video which could end the wide receiver’s illustrious career. A Video that would make the Pro Bowler a non-factor once Free Agency begins in a few weeks. A video so bad, the person in possession of it is expecting a MONSTROUS PAY DAY by luring in the highest bidder (Where you at TMZ?).

Problem is…no one has seen the video but yet we are promised it exists. In fact ESPN’s Adam Schefter says he’s known about the video for months and has been working on the story since September. Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio confirmed the existence of the video on a radio interview early last week.

Here’s some of the “news” being reported about the video:

• It’s five times worse than the Ray Rice video (whatever the hell that’s suppose to mean, 5x worse? How is that even mathematically quantified and by who?)
• The footage of the video is so bad, it may end Bryant’s NFL Career.
• Cowboys will not offer a contract to Bryant until the video is released.
• There are screen shots of the video but no one has seen the actual footage
• Former friends of Bryant are in possession of the video, have been for years, and are selling it to the highest bidder.

Yes, this is what we as NFL fans have to deal with during the off-season: a bunch of rumors, speculation, and NON-Educated guesses which major media outlets force feed down our throats by presenting it as facts and I won’t stand for it anymore.

So here’s what I’m going to do…I’m just going to tell you straight up, all bullshit, here’s a bunch of rumors and speculation that I’m starting, with ZERO basis or any credible information from an “inside source.”

Here’s some of the absurd, ridiculous, absolutely no shot at being true ways the rumors started with some odds from my Uncle Tony out in Vegas on the likelihood of them being reality:

-The Cowboys started this rumor in an effort to keep the other 31 teams away from Dez and thus avoid a bidding war once he hits the open Free Agent Market.
  ODDS 2 to 1: (clearly the most logical, Cowboys know they can’t rely on old man Jason Witten or Terrance Williams for their passing attack but also know they may not be able to afford signing Dez to a BIG MONEY contract).

-Dez Bryant staged the video, started the rumors, and gave the footage to his friends so they can get a pay-day from TMZ and he can finally take them off his Posse Payroll.                                                                                ODDS 5 to 1: (you know how many “Jordans” Dez has to buy for his boys? Doesn’t matter if he’s on Team Jordan, those shoes are crazy money).

-Terrell Owens started the video rumor because he can’t stand seeing a receiver have success with Tony Romo.
  ODDS 10 to 1: (T.O. is INSANE. Did you see him on Celebrity Apprentice?)

-Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson joined forces, started the rumor, to take the heat off them and make their transition back in the NFL go smoothly.                                                                                                         

ODDS 100 to 1 : (Peterson is already getting calls from teams begging for his services, he doesn’t need to partner up with Rice).

-Richard Sherman started the rumor because Dez is one of the only receivers he can’t cover (Odell Beckham Jr. and Julian Edelman could be next).
ODDS 500 to 1: ( Two thirds of Earth is covered by water, the other 1/3 is covered by Sherman)

Here’s some of the absurd, ridiculous, absolutely no shot at being true things that may appear on the Dez Bryant video with some odds from a wise guy out in Vegas on the likelihood of them being reality:

-After the brutal defeat in the playoffs and the horrible rule in which Dez’s magnificent game winning TD Catch was over-turned, Bryant decided to play Madden 15 as the Green Bay Packers.
ODDS 5 to 1: (Aaron Rodgers, Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, and Eddie Lacy…yeah I’d want to play as the Packers too.)

-Dez is blowing lines of coke or injecting heroin
ODDS 10 to 1: (If Josh Gordon got banned for smoking some of the Devil’s Lettuce, imagine what would happen to Bryant if he’s caught with a needle in his arm).

-The secret footage caught Dr. James Andrews injecting motor oil into Dez’s mechanical robot hands.
ODDS 50 to 1: ( How else does he catch all those passes, not like Tony Romo has any accuracy…)

-Dez is partying with former teammate Michael Sam and by partying I mean having sex (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
  ODDS 100 to 1: (Think the NFL is ready for it’s 1st male-male sex tape?).

-The Cowboys receiver murdered someone, point blank, in broad daylight. He’s is straight up pumping Hot Lead and Bustin Caps.
ODDS 500 to 1: (If you thought Aaron Hernandez was the only alleged killer in the NFL, think again.)

When (if ever) the footage is released, come back and laugh at how close some of my absurd guesses were (except the rape, murder, and abusing woman part, if that happened…GAME OVER for Mr. Throw Up The X).

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