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Friday, 10 October 2014

10 Ways Fantasy Football Will Ruin Your Marriage

My first thought was, how could Fantasy Football possibly ruin your marriage?  Then I took a couple minutes to step back and look at it as an outside observer.  After sending 3 dozen flowers to my wife to thank her for not leaving me I realized that Fantasy Football could very well ruin a marriage.

Here are 10 ways in which Fantasy Football will ruin your marriage.

**Special Note to guys: THIS IS NOT A HOW TO LIST**

1)  Not going anywhere on weekends from September through December.

That is 4 solid months of no weekend getaways, and this includes Thanksgiving with which you are of no help because you refuse to do anything else during the games, so cooking and cleaning is left completely to your spouse.  Then there is the December Holiday season where you are more focused on your play-off game than you are on things like shopping for presents or decorating for the holidays.

If that isn’t bad enough, the draft might as well be a national holiday that takes 2 weeks to prepare for, so your family vacation is an elaborate excuse for you to study and prep.

Bonus Section for the true fantasy football addicts, play-off fantasy football.  You almost had New Year’s and January free from the obsession, but the season starts again, including preparation, draft, and another month of games.

2)  When arguing with your spouse, you use your trade negotiation tactics.

You never lead with your best offer, you always go too far and then are able to retract to the compromise you were willing to start with, but at least you showed some contrition.  It is only a matter of time before they catch on to your game, and that isn’t going to be pretty… not to mention that going for the highly offensive option first may push a simple disagreement way over the edge and have you apartment searching in short order.

3)  You keep forgetting important dates, but know your entire team’s BYE weeks and bad match-ups.

Sure you completely forgot that your 15th anniversary was last Saturday or that your Mother-in-law’s birthday is next Tuesday… but you know that Week 9 is the BYE week for Aaron Rodgers, Randall Cobb, Brandon Marshall, and Steven Jackson and weeks 11 and 16 your defense plays New Orleans and Denver.  I’ll have to grab someone like the Titans defense off of waiver to match up against Pittsburgh and Jacksonville.  What’s that?  No, I didn’t get the kids’ costumes yet, I’ll grab them tomorrow.  Oh, today is Halloween… but I’m under a lot of stress, my entire team is on a BYE this week!

4)  With games on Thursday, Sunday and Monday it’s difficult to find a night to get out for date night.

Your spouse isn’t stupid, this is the 7th week in a row you have asked her if she wants to go Buffalo Wild Wings or The Village Tavern.  They are sick of spending a nice romantic night in the bar of the restaurant instead of the dining room and you not paying attention to anything but the game.

5)  After your wife gets on you one more time about being “obsessed” with Fantasy Football, you consider what kind of trade value she would have if you put her on the trade block.

Jack’s wife is cool, but she doesn’t have the consistent production that my wife does.  However, maybe I could move my wife and the cat for Frank’s wife and his dog.  Sure, the dog will take more attention and I’ll have to keep track of him more, but his wife has a much higher ceiling than my wife.  But is it worth the risk, my wife has a higher floor but lower ceiling… maybe I’ll hold off a couple more weeks and reassess.  That reminds me, I should put Ethan’s wife on my watch list.

6)  Every time you are asked to do a chore it reminds you to do something with your fantasy football team and you neglect to do the actual chore.

When asked to take the trash out, you remember to take Trent Richardson out of your starting line-up since Giovanni Bernard is no longer on his BYE week.

Set the table reminds you to set your line-up for this week’s game, even though it’s only Tuesday.

Go through all the old photos and organize them into albums and decide which ones should go into frames reminds you to check your bench to see if there is a player you should drop and scout free agency to see if there are any hidden gems.

Get the stuff arranged for the garage sale makes you wonder what you could get for Steve Smith if you tried to trade him.

7)  Instead of helping with your kids’ homework, you teach them the fantasy football equivalent.

Your kindergarten daughter has a list of site words that she needs to learn.  Instead you sit her on your lap and teach her how to read words like Le’Veon, Marshawn, Davonta, Bortles, Roethlisberger, Kaepernick, and Ajirotutu.

Math homework isn’t that 173 + 47 = 220 it equals 21 and except when you are talking about passing yards then 173 + 47 = 10.

Health turns into a discussion about Ben Tate and Calvin Johnson and the definitions of Probable, Questionable, and Doutbful.

8)  You realize that your team is 5-1 on days that you argue with your spouse, and 4-0 when it ends with you sleeping on the couch.

Intentionally starting fights is not a part of the formula for a successful marriage.  But when it’s the league championship game today and you realize this fact… you seriously consider asking your wife if she has gained weight lately or you ask your husband if he thinks the garage door is going to fix itself or should you just call someone else to work on it since he clearly isn’t smart enough to do it himself.

Fights come and go but Fantasy Football Championships are forever… or at least for as long as the league is in existence.  Fantasy before Reality!

9)  You show little or no emotion towards your spouse yet you can experience every single emotion in the spectrum during a single football game.

You get way too emotional for an adult over a single football game, screaming at the quarterback to look to his left or asking the running back to fumble.  You are just about in tears when Marshawn Lynch scores his 3rd touchdown against you and you wake the kids with screams of Joy when Philip Rivers throws a pick-6 with a minute left in the game to win your first game of the season.

Having a good range of emotions and not being afraid to share them is a good thing for a relationship, just try showing them towards your spouse from time to time and not just towards the people on your 60” HD Television.

10)  Your spouse gives in and decides to take up Fantasy Football and joins your league.

This is a complete no win situation.  At first they will constantly ask for your advice over the silliest thing, “Should I start Alfred Blue in my flex over A.J. Green?  I mean I like the color blue better than green.”

After that, then there comes the inevitable week where you two match-up against each other.  Just trying cheering when your Quarterback and Wide Receiver hook up for a 78 yard touchdown or complaining when their Defense returns another fumble for a touchdown.  Absolutely no good can come from this.  If they win, then you lose in your game and your friends will not let you live it down.  If you win, then you lose at home.  If you ever find yourself in this situation, bring in a lawyer and start drawing up the divorce paperwork right then and there, but at least make it interesting… winner of the game gets the house and choice of car.


Image is of wall decor created by Marla Rae, found on


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