NFL White Elephant: The Top 10 Gag Gifts Of 2014
What's on your wish list for 2014? An X-Box? An I-Pad? A Mercedes Benz? Well, in the football world, that kind of stuff is "dime-a-dozen". Here's some things that will really meet the football wishes of a few very, needy teams.
1. The Green Bay Packers- An All-Day Spa Package.
An upset at the hands of the Buffalo Bills has Aaron Rodgers and the gang all upset and in knots with just two weeks left in the season. They just need a day to get away and R-E-L-A-X! A couple of wins going into the playoffs wouldn't hurt much either.
2. The Chicago Bears- A Refund.
That fat contract to Jay Cutler was a huge mistake that only the ownership couldn't see. Now they see it and wonder how they can get their money back. It's time to fish or cut bait and see what they can catch for the QB position; it's unfortunate they won't get a very high pick in the draft, but then again, they could get lucky!
3.The Washington Redskins- The next great thing.
Is there any doubt this team needs a miracle at QB? While the whole team is in need of an overhaul, it is clear that RG3 isn't cutting it. Washington does qualify for a fairly high pick, so they can set their sights on a talent early in the draft.
4. The San Francisco 49ers- Big Dog.
No... not the clothing line, but the big dog on the sidelines... the head honcho... the big cheese... okay, you get it. I don't know if Jim Harbaugh is the only problem, but the team is reeling and needs some new blood and ideas. It's time to go in a different direction.
5. The Oakland Raiders- A New City.
The one thing the Davis family is good at is moving. Maybe if L.A. doesn't want them, they can just build their own- "Raider City"! All their fans could come along and dress like they really want to all the time!
6. The New York Jets- A Drone.
If they could just spy on the Patriots, maybe they would have a chance... they need something... with wings... that can fly...
7. The Miami Dolphins- A life jacket.
Just when this team thinks they are getting close to the top of the AFC East, they sink like a rock. Let's get them a little help in the swimming department. Throw in a mask and flippers while you're at it.
8. The New England Patriots- A class on etiquette.
This is mostly for Tom Brady; we all saw him- caught on TV using naughty words. And running-up the score on your opponents? Shame on you Tommy! What would your parents think? And your kids are watching! It's time to learn to play nice! Not to mention your teammates are getting scared of your headbutt-celebrations. What will people start to say?
9. The Arizona Cardinals- A first-aid kit.
If anybody else gets hurt they're gonna' need to open up try-outs again. Maybe Kurt Warner would consider coming out of retirement. There might be a few former players the Cards would welcome back for a short stint- like a deep, playoff run.
10. The Philadelphia Eagles- Stickum.
Turnovers kill. For a team trying to make a run into the playoffs, a -8 turnover ratio is gonna' kill those hopes. If that doesn't work, maybe they could try tying the ball to their hands... or staples?!
A team for the NFC South that actually wants to win games! Can we please have a playoff team with a winning record?!
Perhaps we could also invest in some classes (or glasses) for the Refs so they can tell the difference between legal and illegal hits in the secondary.
And I think Roger Goodell could use a refresher course in Football 101: IT'S A CONTACT SPORT!
But seriously, I wish you all a wonderful holiday season (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus) and all the best for those who have to keep watching their teams play due to extended schedules in January and February!