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Sunday, 14 December 2014

The Week 15 Email Satchel Volume 1: NFL Scandals are SO Last Fall

Nick Kent is a man of many words but considers most of those words to be obsolete. He does not have any professional writing credentials because he quickly realized the pursuit of all educational certificates to be a passé endeavor. Soon thereafter he was met with critical acclaim and a Pulitzer Prize for his third grade essay titled: 'How I Spent my Summer Vacation.' The man recognized by many as 'Your Humble Narrator 2.0' later fell on hard times after he was labeled a "sell out" for signing a lucrative Hollywood contract to write all upcoming films for an enigmatic director named Michael Bay. After the infamous pregnancy scandal and subsequent civil lawsuit, he knew he had lost touch with his roots. Nick Kent eventually left everything behind and chose to follow his true passion of lazily blogging about Oakland Raider's football. He is a man that can only be described as a master of time travel, frequenter of Davy Jones' Locker and inventor of several primary colors.


Jan. 1st 2011 OAKLAND (-2.5) over Chargers

The Needlessly Elaborate Time Travel Box™ and I visited The Oakland Raiders home game against the San Diego Chargers in 2011. The Raiders were confident after winning their 5th straight win in Kansas City. I decided to err on the side of caution and seek the wisdom of my old pal and P.E.D. enthusiast, Carrot Top. Mr. Top was in the locker while The Raider's interim head coach, interim general manager and interim director of player personnel, Huey Jackson guaranteed a victory. I think the sky is now the limit for 2011's official GOOD bad team and will ceremoniously be given the vaunted participation ribbon, snow cones and a pizza party at Shakey's.

--WEEK 15--

Q: Nicky Boy!!! Week after week I have been bombarded by your ex/current/ex/kinda still employer ESPN and the never ending rumor mill. I can't remember if Derek Carr is a good quarterback or if Tony Sparano is still the coach!!! Are any of The Raiders on the current roster going to be on the team next year?!

-J.L. Higgins, Sweeny Texas

NK: When people turn to ESPN, it is for their unwavering commitment to journalistic integrity. Whether ESPN reports the most benign rumor or blows the lid off of a major scandal, you can rest assured that it is absolutely factual. If there are contradicting reports then obviously both reports are true. I know that my readers mainly come to me for important sports news so I will provide a summary of the ESPN reports regarding The Raiders. The coaching staff will be gutted almost completely and Derek Carr will be released along with most of the team. The Raiders will then sign the paperwork to move to Los Angeles but as moving day arrives they will be notified by NFL lawyers of the fine print in their contract that went unnoticed. Citing the "Pete Rozelle Clause" the team will be forced to move to move to Bakersfield and share a baseball field with a local high school. Luckily, there is a silver lining for the Raiders. While I was reading through all the Jim Harbaugh articles floating around the internet I found an eerie similarity in all of them. Between the lines you will decipher that John Harbaugh will actually be coaching the Bakersfield Raiders in 2015. Why? Big Brother always prevails.

Q: I have noticed that as the season comes to an end more players are getting "hurt" and the coaching staff is mishandling Rod Streater's return and still using Darren Mcfadden to run up the middle for his signature one yard gain. Could The Raiders at least pretend they aren't tanking?!

-C. Frye, A Coin Op Car Wash Near You

N.K. Our dear and glorious leader "Hot" Roger Goodell has undoubtedly changed the game of football during his tenture. Players are as safe as they have ever been due to the flag football rule changes and they are more fiscally responsible because of the massive influx of fines implemented on them for being too rough. They finally understand the consequences for conduct detrimental to the team. Not only that but these punishments can be given, then taken away, then increased and ultimately restored to the original punishment if necessary. While players deal with being railroaded by the legal system and eventually learning the finer points of a Federal Grand Jury, do you honestly think any NFL team has time to throw away their season on purpose? They barely have time to play the game.

Sili-Cyclones (-16.5) under BOTOX-IC SPILL (Inaugural game: The Winter Beach Bikini Football League)

The ongoing war between women and NFL has spawned a feminist first football frenzy. (dubbed the F.F.F.F.) This upstart league and it's players are almost exclusively female. This week is the first official game of The Winter Beach Bikini Football League. The top story line to keep on eye on is once again an American football league has once again signed Michael Sam. Sam has an uphill battle his entire career and now The 2013 SEC Player of the Year will contribute to the Sili-Cyclones practice squad.

CHIEFS (-10) under Raiders (MORE 2014 ACTION!)

No expert in their right mind believes that K.C. will cover the spread. I got word from Big Brother that all information printed or spoken to the contrary is part of a new exclusive promotion. The first person to recognize any blatant misreporting regarding The Raiders/Chiefs game will receive a promotional box of Johnny Manziel's and Lebron James' new cereal called "JohnnyBron Flakes" which now includes 20% more sensationalism in every box. Now as you are pouring yourself a bowl of inflated ego you can watch Khalil Mack and The Oakland Raiders continue their farewell tour in Kansas City. Fans such as myself will be relishing one of the last games before our team gets purged. *In my next article I will unveil my new movie idea. The Purge 3--The Autumn Wind is a High Seas Musical 2.

--NEW SEGMENT ALERT!!!-- I think you have the wrong (email) address

Q: The curvier woman the better. I will just come right out and say it: I want a big girl!!! I want a soft, plump woman to take to my home, say Hi to my cat, then get ravished for hours! You may or may not think of yourself as a Big BEAUTIFUL Woman, but I guarantee you that I will!

--Craig S. List

N.K. Thank you for your earnest contribution to our digital publication. This week in sports has taught everyone that saying hi to a stranger's cat is not as harmless as it seems.

Betting Records were removed due to NCAA sanctions in connection with reporter's alleged recruiting violations while attending USC College of Barbering

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