The Week 16 Email Satchel: A Christmas Carroll
Nick Kent is The King of judging other people for things he is also doing. He will argue with you to the death over things he knows nothing about. A modern day Robin Hood, Nick often steals from the rich and gives to himself. A girl once told him he was a real life version of Peter Pan. In addition to taking this information and using it to his own nefarious purposes, he soon realized that a man cannot achieve flight based on happy thoughts alone. After an eternity of youthful swashbuckling and having said goodbye to his merry band of thieves, Nick decided to dedicate his life to writing about America's only native art form: Hand Soccer.
*For all international readers: The term "Hand Soccer" is a North American term used to describe the sport of American Football*
(HOME TEAM IN CAPS)
July 29th 1986
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (-11.5) over The United States Football League
The Needlessly Elaborate Time Travel Box™ is helping a neighbor move today, so I went searching for a phone booth containing a wormhole. All I could end up finding were hallow cubes that used to have payphones and were covered in graffiti and the smell of cat pee. While making my bets, I decided go with my brain instead of my heart. I took the NFL to cover the spread against the USFL. I ended up on a bus, travelling back to the summer of 1986 to witness one of the most important football games ever played. The USFL was clearly the underdog against the NFL but towards the end it seemed like they would come away with a win.
To my surprise the USFL did actually win but unfortunately winning isn't everything. It turns out that there is something called a duly adjudicated illegal monopoly. Meaning that you are allowed to break the law as long as you have the judicial branch of the government backing it up. The NFL paid a $1 dollar fine for breaking anti-trust laws and any statements reflecting jury confusion were subsequently ignored. Are you ready for some CORPORATE football?
Q: Last week you bet that The Siliclones wouldn't cover the spread against the botox-ick-disaster. The Winter Hot Tub Bikini Optional Football League (WHTBOFL) panders specifically to women. I don't understand the rules and the game is just stupid. All I wanted was to go to an arts and crafts party with my wife last Sunday but she just stayed home, watched the game and got drunk! What do I do?
-A Fastow, Washington D.C.
NK: It is sad when something as peaceful as football can leave a marriage in as many pieces as a shattered tibia. If you want to spend more time with your wife, you have to be in it for the long con. First you must start lying about a hot button issue that the public doesn't understand, like the economy. Then find a bunch of people who are dumber than you and get them all riled up about how this women's football league is ruining the economy. Also, make sure to use words that have no meaning like equilibrium price and factors of production. Finally use your small, loud mouthed special interest group to convince the general public that women's football will cause the collapse of the dollar. Be sure to make up some random year of ths 'dollarpocolypse' like 2064. Then sit back and watch the corporations, tv stations and advertisers turn on the silly underdeveloped sports league. Trust me, The CEOs that own this country can easily keep us doped up with something more distracting as we willingly become a police state.
Patriots (-10.5) under JETS
It was not that long ago when the Jets attacked the Patriots from all angles during a day game in New York. Some coaches will tell you it's best to have a short memory and move on but it has clearly demoralized the Patriots who have forgotten how to succeed in the face of adversity. It seems like the Patriots are just taking what opposing defenses will give them, which isn't much.
Q: I know this happened a long time ago (Week 1 of the preseaon) but when the Redskins defeated the Patriots it didn't seem to count for anything. How does stuff like this still happen?
A. Eichmann, Solingen Germany
NK: Since The NFL is a multi-billion dollar corporate industry protected by the federal government, there is a constant reallocation of funds between the two entities which essentially keeps the lifeblood of capatilism flowing. The Patriots and Redskins are subject to all league policies. The problem is that even if the teams agree to a policy, thus making it effective, the NFL does not need to follow the conditions of any treaty or make any necesary reparations between them and the other party. This is why even though The Redskins beat The Patriots, it will never be considered an actual victory.
Seattle (-8) under ARIZONA
Jerry Jones, Al Davis and Pete Carroll are well known for selling their souls to The Lord of the Underworld. They paid the ultimate price for their stupid little trophies and it is finally time for Pete to pay up. Seattle will lose this game because the Cardinals are The Bad News Bears and the Seahawks are the other team that is always dressed in all black.
Q: You do a weekly article about sports gambling. From what I understand, gambling on sports is illegal, but not in Vegas. It is illegal to play most table games unless it's on a reservation. In some states you can play slot machines. In most states there is a lottery but in other places all forms of gambling are illegal. Then again you could always bet on horse races and play bingo. What the hell is going on?
NK: I quit. All I want to do is rip a bong load, marry a dude, wrap myself in the Canadian Flag and call it a life.
*STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK'S EDITION OF THE EMAIL SATCHEL LIVE FROM GUANTANAMO*