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Tuesday, 27 January 2015

10 Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Super Bowl Party

The New England Patriots will play the Seattle Seahawks on February 1st, 2015. The Seahawks are looking to become back-to-back champions for the first time since the Patriots did it in the 2003-2004 seasons. 

Both teams have been embraced and assaulted inbetween practice by the media and speculators throughout the week. With less than a week until the big game, players are now balancing the media chaos and gameday preparation at the highest level. While both teams are preparing for the biggest game of their lives, we too must prepare for our own enviable culminating point of this Football season. The Super Bowl Party.

With the Pro Bowl over, it is time to forget about the controversy surrounding deflategate. This is Super Bowl week, so load the fridge with beer, start delegating food responsibilities, and maybe print out the below list of 10 things that WILL NOT BE SAID at your Super Bowl Party. 


1) Who is playing? 

At this point in the season your football obliviousness is no longer acceptable. These two teams have been in and out of the media for most of the season and printed on nearly every newspaper within the United States for the past week. So if you cannot even bring yourself to remember the names of the two teams playing for this championship, you are not welcome to my party.


2) I only watch for the Commercials

While I agree, the commercials during the Super Bowl are oddly tolerating compared to the usual high volume piercing screeches of mediocrity that  usually break up my game viewing experience. They are still little more than an indicator that I need to change the channel to check the score of the other game. Saying, "I only want for the commercials" is disrespectiful to the big game, the reason for your very presence in my home, and will not be tolerated while sitting on my couch. It is called the Super Bowl and you are at my Super Bowl party... so you are here to... WATCH THE SUPER BOWL!


3) Katy Perry was the best part of the Super Bowl 

sincerely hope that this is not true. But on the off chance that the pop-singer is the only bright spot of this Sunday, I still do not want to hear it. The halftime show is ridiculously long and purely a monetarily motivated aspect of the championship event. Unless a scandal occers similar to the magnitude of the 2004 wardrobe malfunction, the halftime entertainment is really just a perfect time to grab refills, reheat the now cold dipping sauces, and upgrade your setting arrangments once someone forgets to call 'fives.' 


4) I do not like the Seahawks just because.

Just stop it! Yes Marshawn Lynch does not like to talk to the media, if he had it his way, he wouldn't waste their time either. He is clearly an introvert and not comfortable being in the spotlight. Just let the man play football. I hate hearing how there are "no good-guys" in this Super Bowl. Remember last year, when everyone was on the Seattle bandwagon after they won #48? What has changed since then?  They removed the locker room cancer (Percy Harvin), they showed vulnerabilities throughout the season, overcame adversity, they have pulled off miraculous wins, and Russel Wilson even cried... how can you not like them?


5) I do not like the Patriots just because.

This one I can understand a little better, they are a dynasty. Bill Belichick doesn't like talking to the media either. Yes Brady is annoyingly handsome. Yes, they have a rigorous fan-base that makes it hard to route for the same team as them. But do not let it be "just because." At least link it to the fact that they may or may not be cheaters. (2007 says they are). At least have a reason for rooting against them, even if it is just I like the Seahawks more. There is no reason either team should be disliked just because, unless they are your division rival... then you can hate them unconditionally. 


6) Why do they keep running the football?

For anyone who knows some not-so-serious football "fans" you may hear this questions a lot. Running the ball is just part of the game. It controls the clock, allows you to manipulate the defense, and in the foundation of the sport itself. So please do not complain that their play calling is foolish. Scincerely football fans everywhere.


7) We are out of beer



8) You have something that can get 'X' spilled beverage out of your carpet right? 

I am sacrificing my time, energy, and the serenity of my living room so that you strangers can migrate temporarily to casa-de-INSERT NAME HERE, please respect that sacrifice and use a coaster. 


9) "I'm going to Disney World"

Cheesy.  Every Super Bowl MVP says it and I honestly cannot stand it. It is subliminal advertising by Disney, planting the idea of Disney World with winning into every child's head. So that whenever they think of the Super Bowl for the next six months, it coincides with Disney World... Thus they keep asking you "can we go to Disney World" and finally its summer and you break down and take them to Disney World... So Disney wins. Do not let them win. Mute the TV! 


10) That should have been 'THIS' team playing instead of SEA or NE.

You sir can simply leave this house/apartment/ garage. These are two of the best teams in the league and despite the fact that it took some deflated footballs and a late defensive collapse for them both to get here, both teams conquered obstacles, mostly within the rules of the game, to get to this point, and they are still the two most deserving teams. So NO, "this team" and "that team" did not make it. Even my beloved Giants did not deserve to be in the Super Bow this yearl. If I can accept that, then so can you.


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