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Monday, 30 March 2015

Oakland Raiders 2015 Schedule Released [Unofficially] WEEK 1

This article is focused on the current state of the Oakland Raiders. If the season began today, taking into account that recent free agent moves, injuries, position battles, as the 2015 NFL Draft approaches. The weeks will progress and those changes will become a factor in future articles. For now this analysis will be based on the date of the article. Creative liberties have been taken and this article is for entertainment and rage debate purposes only.

[Oakland Raiders vs. Tennessee Titans [Sunday, September 13th 1:25 am]

The Tennessee Titans head into the O.Co Multipurpose Collesium for the opening of the 2015 NFL Regular Season. Coach Ken Whisenhunt will be no doubt be looking to rebound from his awful 2014 campaign. He is still on the search for a signal caller to replace Kurt Warner. In these types of situations, certain coaches in the NFL play the "competitive advantage' card by not revealing their quarterback until the Sunday before the game. Based on Whisenhunt's track record we know he does not like throwing his fresh quarterback to the wolves until his team has a sub .500 record. That being the case, we will most likely see Charlie Whithurst and his .222 win percentage under center, which means Zach Mettenberger will be riding the pine pony. History might be on the side of the men from Nashville, as they did manage to grab a win at Arrowhead Stadium against the Kansas City Chiefs on opening day in 2014. The Titans had an offense ranked 30th in last year and their defense was just a bad. Last year the quarterback play in Tennessee was non existent, so the Titans will have to improve on their bottom 5 ranked defense from a year ago. All things included, second year running back, Bishop Sankeycould be called on to carry the rock for the majority of the game. Sankey ran for a paltry 3.7 yards per attempt and totaled 569 yards. Which puts him squarely in Darren McFadden territory. Also, Shonne Green has show explosiveness at times, reaching the century mark in 2011 and 2012. However, Green is reaching the pivotal age for running backs where they begin the inevitable decline in production. Since Oakland's defense has been anything but good, Green could match his career high of 161 yards in this game. In fact, the Titans could sign Albert Haynesworth to play tailback and he would probably run over the line and find space to burn the Raiders secondary if Del Rio doesn't fine a way to play the "great defense" he says his previous teams do. If the Silver and Black's rush defense learns how to stop a nose bleed and then builds on that to the point where they can actually stop an NFL rushing attack, it could build enough momentum for Derek Carr and allow the young QB time to dink and dunk on Tennessee's defense even if Brian Orakpo has other plans.

X-FACTOR: Ryan SuccopThe kicker, acquired in 2014, has many accolades to his name, (including Mr. Irrelevant). He once made 6 field goals in a game and in 2011. Also Succop kicked 21 straight field goals in the regular season before having Oakland block two of his kicks twice during a contest at Arrowhead Stadium. If the Titans want a shot to pull this game out, Succop is going to need to shake off those demons and be a factor in the season opener.

The Oakland Raiders are 1-11 since the MVP season of Rich Gannon. As each year passes the memory of the 2002 Super Bowl run is turning into more of a hex than the reminder of Oakland's glory days. *Fun Fact, True Fact...the Raiders did beat the loathsomeDenver Broncos on Opening Day 2011 giving Hue Jackson the first win of his brief, "hindsight is 20-20" tenure. Newly anointed head coach, Jack Del Rio does not have big shoes to fill on the sideline in 2015. In fact, if he can move the ball on offense past midfield, or have Derek Carr somehow avoid a butt-fumble he will already be light years ahead of Dennis Allen's 2014 squad. The Raiders seem marginally improved from a year ago but that does not amount to much. This opening season match will most likely play out like the 1998 classic Adam Sandler film, "The Waterboy". The Raiders have newly acquired middle linebacker, Curtis Lofton. Lofton will be pulled from the game in the 4th quarter due to a precautionary hamstring injury, which will force the abhorred Miles Burris to return to his old middle linebacker position. With the score 10-15 in favor of Tennessee, thanks to (Ryan Succop's 5 field goals). Charlie Whitehurst will then promptly make Swiss cheese of the middle of the field while occasionally burning Oakland's tired and inexperienced secondary like he is "Broadway" Brett Farve circa 2008. Then, in dramatic fashion, he will have a pass attempt be tipped at the line, courtesy Dan "Not Ndamukongsuh" Williams. The football will fall right into the unsuspecting hands of the aforementioned Miles Burris. Burris, confused and disoriented, will look to the sideline, seeing a mirage of Henry Winker calmly and jovially gesturing for him to run towards the Raiders end zone. Miles will clear his head just long enough for him to remember what "mama said", and jump over a few lineman while unknowingly be chased by Perrish Cox. After running the length of the field in the proper direction, he will eventually be tackled just moments after crossing he goal line. The Mud Dogs, I mean, Raiders will win 16-15 as time expires, earning Burris his new nickname (and permanant role on the team) as the certified molecular hydration specialist.

X-FACTOR: Prior to the game, at the Raiders Saturday night team meeting, located at the nearest Waffle House in Alameda county, Oakland's charismatic General Manager, Reggie McKenzie will deliver one of his patented speeches,

"Nothing is more inspiring than the tale of a sports hero. But this story is about the other guy...The LOSER. And as you'll see, even failure has its champion. His name? Lambeau Fields. To me, he's a hero, an inspiration and a friend. To the rest of the world, he's the worst coach in the history of sports. And that is why we are paying Dennis Allen his multi milion dollar salary to eat shrimp po-boys in a press box while making passive aggressive jabs at Rex Ryan."

Meanwhile in the background, Charles Woodson is tuning out all of the usual Raider-esque tomfoolery and meditating on how will to be adding to his Hall of Fame resume.

Oakland 16 Tennesse 15 because, "Mama says happiness comes from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you are feeling blue.


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